I used to think I had my
stuff together. Then I got
married.
Marriage is greatbut it
rocked everything I knew. I
quickly realized my basic
goal in life, prior to getting
married, was to simply
remain undisturbed.
This 'disruption' came suddenly and was disguised
as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I
decided I'd rather not live without her, I proceeded to
ask her to marry methat is, to officially invite
someone who wasn't me to be in my personal space
for the rest of my life.
This decision introduced my most significant
experiences and most challenging experiencesnone
of which I would trade for the world.
However, I wish I'd had a bit more insight on the
front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all.
According to most research, more than 50 percent of
people who say 'I do' will not be sleeping in the same
bed eight years from now. And though Scripture
alludes to the fact that adultery and abuse may be
reasons individuals might end a marriage, I'd be
willing to bet that most challenges experienced in
marriage are the result of unawareness.
Most peoplemyself includedjump into marriage with
suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology,
entirely unaware of the unique beauty and
paradoxical intentions of marriage.Although
happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy
relationship, marriage has a far more significant
purpose in sight.
The following are three thoughts on marriage that
friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind
myself of them often in hopes of keeping this
anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.
1. Marriage is not about living happily ever after.
Here's the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is
more a reflection of me than her.
I'm intensely certain that nothing in life has ever
made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my
wife. Inevitably, just when I think I've given all I can
possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for
more.
The worst part of it all is that her demands aren't
unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay
emotionally engaged. The next, she's looking for me
to validate the way that she feels. The list goes onbut
never ventures far from things she perfectly well
deserves as a wife.
Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs
often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn't
be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and,
overall, human.
I once read a book that alluded to the idea that
marriage is the fire of lifethat somehow it's designed
to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into
progressive wholeness. In this light, contrary to
popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not
happiness. And although happiness is often a very
real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage
has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is
designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our
lives, set it on fire and help us grow.
When we're willing to see it this way, then the points
of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that
consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling
experience of life.
2. The more you give to marriage, the more it gives
back.
Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an
open conversation about the highs and lows of
marriagespecifically how to make the most of the
high times and avoid the low ones. Along the way, we
happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes
something like this: If one makes their husband or
wife priority number one, all other areas of life
benefit
It's a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it
protests my deeper persuasion that success as an
entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that
career takes the throne of my priorities and remain
there for, at the very least, a couple of years.
However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring
about work over marriage had produced little more
than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured
giving the philosophy a test drive couldn't hurt.
For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over
everything else, and then I tracked how it worked. I
created a metric for these purposes, to mark our
relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in
all other areas of my life on the same scale, including
career productivity and general quality of life.
To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data
and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the
more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.
Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I
observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to
my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my
career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and
as she partnered with me in my career, I have
experienced the benefits of having the closest person
in my life champion me.
Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And
sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes.
However, when we return marriage to its rightful
place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from
something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into
the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.
3. Marriage can change the world.
John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a
Christian biologist, is often approached by men
looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or
another, they all come around to asking, 'What's the
most important thing I can do as a father?'
Medina's answer alludes to a surprising truth.
In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured
the effect that making my marriage priority number
one had on different areas of my life. One of those
areas was my 16-month-old son's behavior.
What I found in simply charting my observations was
that the majority of the time, my child's behavior
was directly affected by the level of intention I
invested in my marriage.
Re-enter John Medina, the Christian biologist. After
years of biological research and several books on
parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the
question, 'What's the most important thing I can do
as a father'?
'Go home and love your wife.'
Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of
Babywise, say it this way: 'A healthy marriage
creates an infused stability within the family and a
haven of security for a child in their development
process.' They go on to sum up their years of
research by saying, 'In the end, great marriages
produce great parents.'
The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to
make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the
investment we make into our marriage pays
dividends for us. But, concluded by Medina and his
colleagues, the same investment also has significant
implications for our family, our community and
eventually our culture.
So men, women, the next time you find yourself
dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in
your career or being a better parent than yours were
to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your
wife. Go home and and love your husband.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN
